These sex plans can never fail

Canthe sex-tips manual that actor Meryl Streep turns to in her next filmrevolutionise your love life?
If indeed Adam’s firstwords to Eve were, “Stand back, I don’t know how big this thinggets”, then marriage counselling was the obvious next step for theBible’s first couple. And if tumbleweed is blowing through the Gobi desertthat is your sex life, then Sex Tips For Straight Women From A Gay Man —the book that claims to reveal secrets that could put the vava-voom back, is foryou.
Authors Maggie Berman and her gay friend Dan Anderson say theypublished the book after Berman and her gal pals took Anderson’s advice onhow to put the spark back into their relationships and got greatresults.
The trick to keeping a man happy, says the book, is forwomen to just go for it and be more straightforward.
In fact, like amodern-day Professor Higgins in My Fair Lady, author Anderson says: “Whycan’t a woman be more like a gay man?”
Here’s ourselection of the best tips from thebook:
Undress to impress
Be sparing with the perfume, and never wear dangly jewellery,unless you have done a first-aid course.
Keep the hair and nailextensions a secret. If he finds a nail tip in the bed, he will think you arefalling apart.
When setting the scene for a night of passion, gay menwouldn’t consider any bed less than queensized. In an ideal world itwouldn’t have a foot or headboard either, but unless you are banged up inprison, that is unlikely.
Give your teddies the night off —nobody wants to eyeball a threadbare Mrs Tiggy-Winkle when they are doing thedirty.
Keep a small supply of condoms in a bedside table and separatethe foil sachets — you don’t want him to feel like he is taking aticket at a deli counter.
Men andtheir rulers
All men know the exact length of their tackle, to thenearest millimetre. Don’t ever say, “Uh, if that’s seveninches, then the ceilings in here are 20 feet high.” He will never forgiveyou, or worse, he may even plot your death.
Naming the crown jewelsis apparently more popular among straight than gay men, with Roger topping thelist, but Godzilla also gets a mention. No doubt shortened to God on a coldday.
Foreplay (ha, ha,ha...don’t get me started)
It seems men just want women tocall the shots and do all the work. This shouldn’t come as much of ashock, but perhaps it would be fun once in a while to throw caution to the windand lose the winceyette nightie. Here’s how the book suggests you turn upthe heat:
Kissing: Whatmakes a good kiss? Loose lips, open mouth and throw in an open attitude.
Love bites: But not so manythat he thinks you have an oral fixation, and never leave hickey marks.
Massage: Overzealousstroking of men’s hairy bodies can be painful for them. Instead massagemuscle — if you can find some — and mix it up with some backscratching and vigorous head massage. Any longer than 10 minutes though andearth-shattering snores may ruin themood.
Accessorise to maximise talkdirty: Put on your lowest, sexiest voice. It is not so much what you say,but how you say it — although try not to moan about him never doing thedishes.
Blue movies: Womenlike to read mummy porn but guys just want to watch. Show him something on film,and he will think you want ittoo.
Nookie monster
In7th-century China, Master Tung-hsuan described 30 basic positions of“clouds and rain”, but we could honestly only think of five, and oneof those is impossible unless you happen to be doublejointed. The bookrecommends you try lots of positions, from Phoenix Holding its Chicken, toBamboos by the Altar, and Winding Dragon, (which sounds more like a visit fromthe mother-in-law) and that you use a pillow for support.
In short,the authors break sex down into three main races:
Sprint: Men are always readyfor sex so there is nothing wrong with enjoying a quickie.
Relays: Time things properlyto reach the finishing line.
Marathons: Don’t dothings by halves, this is about stamina. Try lots of positions and keep wellhydrated. Perhaps think about bringing a book along if things getboring.
No way!
Fantasyis fine as long as it is not the staple of your sex life. Lots of things areokay — dressing up, sex in a lift, dirty talk, handcuffs, edibles. But ifhe suggests anything that involves cutlery, feel free to say no.